“Mike! Mike! Long time!”
  “Yes o”
  “Ah! Ah! This caveat on your finger. Have you been attached by any girl?”
  “Yes o, last month”
  “Na waoh. You did not put us on notice”
  “There was urgency so I had to go by motion exparte.”
  “Ha!Ha!Ha! Was it Blessing your law school woman?”
  “No”
   “Wetin happen?”
   “The affair was struck out”
    “Who made the application?”
   “She did suo motu”
   “Why?”
   “I was not talking of marriage. She thought I was not serious so she struck it out for lack of diligent   prosecution”.
   “Where is she now?”
  “I don’t know, she is functus officio”
  “When did you regularize your position?”
  “Last month”
  “Is her name on the roll?”
  “No. She is not a lawyer”
  “Where is she from?”
  “She’s Ibo”
  “Ah! You married outside jurisdiction?”
  “Yes. But it wasn’t easy. It took time before her parents granted leave”
  “What did you do last month? Traditional or white wedding?”
  “I frontloaded the process. I did the two on the same day. I needed to avoid cost”
  “How did you serve your invitation process?”
  “I served by substituted means. SMS”
  “Did you serve Blessing?”
  “She evaded service”
  “How?”
  “I wanted to serve her orally but she refused to pick my calls”
  “How much did you spend?”
 “Six……………………………….”
 “Does it include its appurtenance?”
 “Yes. The white wedding, traditional wedding and every other thing incidental thereto”
 “Na waoh. I’m thinking about getting married seriously”
 “Just prepare your processes and go for assessment”

  LANGUAGE OF THE COURT 2 {PERPETUAL INJUNCTION}
  [BY ATATA ANTHONY]

“I heard you have restrained John, What are the facts in issue?”
“He instituted a relationship with me and instituted another one with another girl”
“No, that amounts to abuse of court process”
“The first time I suspected, I raised a preliminary objection”
“Did he respond?”
“He filed a counter and added an address formulating issues on when I receive calls from guys in his presence and all that, telling me that he who goes to equity goes with clean hands”
“That accusation lacks merit, what did you say?”
“I had to order a stay of the accusations to avoid joining issues with him”
“You should have read his charges for him by bringing a further and better deposition about his waywardness”
“No, there should be an end to litigation”
“What kind of restraining order did you give to him?”
“A perpetual injunction, I don’t want him near me again”
“Who put you on notice about his proceedings with the other girl?”
“I heard it from a friend who saw somebody that saw them”
“Hey! That is hearsay. You can’t rely on it. It is not admissible”
“Admissible or not, I will admit it”
“That will not amount to fair hearing. It will amount to miscarriage of justice”
“I have similar facts evidence; it was the same thing that broke his last relationship. Similar methodology”
“Did he depose to any statement before you gave your order this time?”
“Yes. What do you expect, he denied all my averments”
“Your friend that put you on notice, is she a credible witness?”
“Yes,why do you ask?”
“She might be telling lies. John might be innocent”
“Bisola!!”
“What!”
“Bisola!!”
“What!!”
“You are descending into the arena of conflict”
“Sorry o o o”
                                                                     Anthony Atata

 LANGUAGE OF THE COURT 3 {ORIGINATING PROCESS}
 [BY ATATA ANTHONY]

“Bisola you look worried, what’s the problem?”
“My boyfriend has just filed a notice of discontinuance”
“When did you guys commence this action?”
“Just two months ago”
“Just two months, did you ask for cost?”
“No’
“He should pay cost in respect thereof; he foreclosed you from other guys for two months”
I don’t want to join issues with him”
“How did he commence the action with you?”
“I don’t understand”
“Is it by writ of summons or Originating summons?”
“Explain please”
“Ah! Ah! Are you not a lawyer? Don’t let a guy commence any relationship with you by Originating summons.”
“Why?”
“It means you are not contentious. How long was it from the time you met him to the time you started seeing him?”
“Six weeks”
“Oh ! You Goofed. He commenced it by originating summons and maybe you gave him accelerated hearing”.
“Writ of summons?”
“Good! That is the best way to make a guy commence something with you”.
“Okay?”
“If he files his pleadings, he will have to wait for 42days for your response”
“Continue please”
“You do not need to enter appearance until after 42days”
“I will be out of time”
“Yes, let him bring a motion for Judgment before you file your defense. Remember you are buying time.”
“In your defense, attach a motion for extension of time and make sure you file a counter claim.
“Why”
“He will have another 42days to respond”
“What if he files his reply or defence to counter claim fast?”
“You ask for more time to regularize your position”
“What if he gets tired and stops”
“You strike him out for lack of diligent prosecution”
“If you like him nko?”
“Then you ask for a short date to regularize and advice him to file forms 17&18.
“For PTC?”
“Yes. During which time you start giving him face to discuss with you.”
“So I will agree during PTC”
“No!! You file further and better particulars”
“Ah Ah that will be dragging him too long”
“Yes, by the time you subject him to long pleadings; he will value you and will think twice before filing a notice of discontinuance next time.”
“How then do you compute time in this your style”
“Order 44 is applicable”
“When will I close pleadings?”
“After you must have delayed him for 6months”
“How will pleadings close?”
“Ha! Ha! Ha! Pleadings close the first time you sleep in his House”
“Ha! Ha! Ha!”

                                                                         Anthony Atata

 LANGUAGE OF THE COURT4 [DESPERATE APPLICATION]
 [BY ATATA ANTHONY]

“George. I want to determine an issue with you”
“What are the issues for determination?”
“The junior you appeared with,is she encumbered?”
“Ah! Carol.We work in the same office.I heared she has one guy who is outside jurisdiction.London or US i’m not sure”
“Does he have a valid title?”
“I have not taken time to investigate the title.You know I’m married.”
“I want to enter appearance. I like her.”
“You have to conduct a search to know if she is encumbered.”
“But there is no caveat on his finger”
“Maybe the guy is still regularizing his position”
“Are you sure he has even filed his pleadings formally?”
“In fact am not properly seized of the matter”
“Please can you help me conduct a search? If possible, let the search report contain recitals”
“You want me to deduce title? How am I supposed to know her history? She just joined us”
“Try please”
“What if the guy outside jurisdiction has filed his pleadings?”
“Where is his proof of service? Nothing is on record. Look at her fingers. No caution no caveat.”
“If they have joined issues, she might not be willing to discontinue the proceedings.”
“Who is talking about discontinuance? I will apply to her for leave to join me”
“You will not have locus standi to bring an application for joinder if she has closed pleadings with him”
“I don’t think they have closed pleadings. Application for joinder can be brought at anytime and by any person who thinks he is interested in an action Boy! I’m interested”
“Two of you are interested eh?”
“I will be the one within jurisdiction and the other guy will be the one outside jurisdiction”
“What if she has closed pleadings with him?”
“I will have de facto possession and the other guy will have de jure possession”
“What if the guy has not closed pleadings and he flies back to do that?”
“He will start de novo. By then I must have convinced her to strike him out”
“Of course he will appeal to her parents to tell her to change her mind”
“They will have to seek leave from her because the appeal wouldn’t be as of right. I will work on her to make her jettison the application for leave”
“How then do you intend to become de jure”
“I will frontload my processes, file it under fast track, join her parents as necessary parties and convince them to strike out the other guy for lack of diligent prosecution